May 31, 2024

I didn't sleep much that night. Maybe a few minutes here and there. Full of shock, denial, and heartbreak. How could this be reality? I tossed and turned and prayed for some kind of peace. Some kind of solace. And then the lyrics to "It Is Well with My Soul" raced through my mind. 

When peace like a river, attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well

with my soul

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come

Let this blest assurance control

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate

And hath shed his own blood for my soul.

It is well (it is well)

With my soul (with my soul)

It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious though

My sin, not in part, but the whole

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul!

It is well (it is well)

with my soul (with my soul)

It is well, it is well, with my soul

It is well (it is well)

with my soul (with my soul)

It is well, it is well, with my soul!

I could imagine my dad loudly and happily singing this song. If you know my dad, you know he LOVES to sing. I was comforted to think of this scene in heaven. 

I woke that morning, packed my bags, and caught a flight to Arizona to be with my family.  As I was trying to pack for this unexpected trip I stood in my closet frozen at the thought that I would need to pack something to wear to my dad's funeral. I knew immediately that I didn't want to wear black . . . but I didn't know what I wanted to wear. I texted my sweet friend, Rachel, and said I couldn't think straight and didn't know what to pack or wear. She asked if he had a favorite color. I said, he loves BYU football - BYU blue would be perfect. 

I arrived at the airport in a daze. Watching all these people going about their day and lives like everything was normal. When nothing was normal. Everything was completely different. I struggled to keep from crying in public and was grateful that the people seated next to me didn't seem interested in conversation. 

My sweet sister in law, Amber, picked me up from the airport. We embraced and cried and talked about our experiences over the past 18 hours. Still in complete shock. She took me to my parents' home where my mom and sister, Audrey, had just finished talking with the bishop of my parents' ward about planning the funeral. How was this real? We all hugged and cried and talked and cried and sat in silence and cried. 

Mom got a message from the mortuary about setting an appointment to go over everything. She asked if we could do a viewing on Thursday or Friday and a graveside Friday or Saturday. The woman kept saying, "I don't have access to calendars - those dates and times may work, but you have to talk to Miguel." Throughout the day Audrey, Amber and I each tried to get in touch with Miguel but were all told the soonest he could talk to us was Monday morning.

We were frustrated but trusted that they would be handling everything and we decided to go ahead and schedule the memorial for Friday, June 7th - no matter what. My boys were going to be leaving for a 2 week service trip to Peru on Saturday and it was very important to me that they be able to come to the funeral, be with family, and say goodbye to their Papa. 

May 30, 2024 - The day the world stopped

 It was a normal evening. David, Josh and Andrew had just returned home from baseball practice. We ate dinner. David and I talked current events, family schedules, finances, the usual. We cleaned up dinner and I laid down on the couch to relax for a few minutes. At 6:40pm I got a text that would change everything. My cousin texted: "My mom just called and told us about Steve. We are so sorry . . . please know that you guys are in our prayers."

What?!? What did your mom tell you about my dad? Why are you sorry? What happened!? 

I showed the text to David and we both decided not to panic - just figure out what was going on. The first thought in my mind was that maybe my dad had died - but NO WAY! So I determined that maybe he'd had a heart attack or something and was in the hospital. I thought my mom might be busy at the hospital with him so I called my sister, Audrey - no answer. 

I then called my sister Natalie. "What's going on with dad? I just got a text from our cousin that he's so sorry about Steve - why??" She responded, "I don't know - we left for a vacation this morning and we're on the road. I haven't heard anything." We decided she would call our sister in law, Amber and I would call our mom.

A few rings and mom answered. "Mom, what is going on?? I just got a text from our cousin that he's sorry about dad - why??" Mom . . . "I am so sorry, dad is dead."

"What?!!? What?!? No! No! This can't be real! No!!! How!?! No!!"

Mom: "I am so so sorry. We were at the gym exercising. He said he was going to sit down to rest and when I went to get him after I finished my work out, he was gone. I am so sorry."

This can't be real, this can't be real, this CAN'T be REAL!!!

But it was.

Life Goes On; Depression and All

 It's been a while. Six and a half years actually. A lot has changed since then. A lot has stayed the same. We've added another baby (this time a girl!) and changed careers and moved states. And somewhere in all this time I feel like I've lost myself. I guess five kids, work and life in general can do that to you. So, I've come here. To see if I can find myself again. I don't mean that I'm unhappy or unsatisfied with my life. I know that I have so much for which to be grateful - and I am. 

I have struggled with depression for the past several years. Probably most of my adult life. But I've been pretty good at muddling through. It's hard to just muddle through anymore when I am responsible for 5 children, work 2 part time jobs and have other family and church responsibilities. So I've tried a couple of medications; Wellbutrin, Prozac and Lexipro. They all seemed to work initially . . . and then they didn't plus they had side effects. 

I've resigned myself to the fact that I will probably always have some amount of depression and anxiety. And that's ok. I can do hard things. But I fee like I need to figure out the questions like; what's your hobby? What do you like to do in your free time? What are you passionate about? I honestly couldn't even tell you my favorite color, movie or food. I feel like I have existed for so long to take care of my family that I have completely forgotten who I am. I don't know how to figure this out, but I will. If there's one thing I do know about me it's that I am willing to take chances and I don't give up without a fight. 

Please describe your job duties

As I filled out a job application tonight I came to the last prompt regarding my current temporary job. Please describe your job duties . . . and I sat and I thought . . . how could I possibly describe in a few sentences my 'duties'?

See, for the past 4 months I have been working nearly full time as a Head Start teacher. The position I have was created purely out of desperation to provide support to the 2 lead teachers. Seasoned teachers that had been brought to this particular class to help regain control and structure. Teachers that for the first 2 weeks of school were going home every night and crying.

See, the classroom in which I am teaching is located in the center of government funded housing. The classroom is on the bottom floor of an apartment complex. There are 3 complexes on the property and our class is in the middle of it all. The neighbors smoke within feet of our playground and we often hear people shouting at one another. It is not uncommon for police helicopters to circle the complex or to see young children walking around with no shoes and old clothes.

See, some of my students live in those apartment buildings and the ones that don't live in similar ones. Or they live in old homes with no heat or a/c, or sometimes they can't get to school because their parents' car has broken down and they can't get it fixed. Or some of them live with grandparents or foster parents.

See, most of my kids have experienced trauma in their short little lives. Some were placed in foster care as toddlers because they were found abandoned and neglected to fend for themselves. One tells me that dad calls mom a B*T*H when he hits her and another says  that dad throws toys at him when he doesn't clean his room fast enough. One child cried daily for weeks out of fear that his parents wouldn't pick him up because he had been left alone before. Some have stories too heartbreaking to bear.

See, the first day I walked into my class there was disorder and chaos and 2 teachers doing their best to teach and love and praise the 20 children in their care. Children begging for approval and love and safety. So, what are my job duties?

My duty is to look at these children and really see them, and love them. My duty is to create a safe haven for some of these kids that are most safe when they are at school. My duty is to look beyond the misbehavior and find out what makes each child special. My duty is to help these kids love to learn and love school so that they can fight back against a culture that teaches them nothing of value. My duty is to put a smile on my face and wrap these kids in hugs when sometimes I'd rather walk out the door and never look back.

If I knew

I worry sometimes about being all to everyone in my little family. And I don't even mean the cooking, crafting, party planning, taxiing, shopping, extras. I mean, how in the world am I supposed to fill this role of mother and wife to 5 . . . five people. My heart aches to be able to give myself wholly to each of them individually, but apparently the laws of physics don't work that way. I want to be able to sit and play games with Luke, read books with Seth, race cars with Joshua, snuggle my baby, and have just one uninterrupted conversation with my husband. The hours between 3-7pm can only be described as chaos in our home. It's a whirlwind of after school snacks, homework, dinner making, piano practicing, playing, dinner eating, bathing, story book reading, children wrestling, etc etc.

I can only hope that I am able to meet the most important needs and wants for each person. I hope and pray that things don't slip through the cracks, but I'm only one person. I had no idea how demanding this motherhood thing would be. No idea. I sometimes wonder if I really, really knew; would I still have done it?

If I knew that I would go months, years even without sleeping through the night. If I knew that simple requests would often be met with screaming and whining. If I knew that my body would be so exhausted from carrying/rocking a crying baby. If I knew I would spend the majority of my days secluded from any adults. If I knew that I'd spend hours preparing food only to have it most often rejected by those I'm trying to feed. If I knew I'd spend hour after hour cleaning up after other people. If I knew everything I wore would be spit up on, snotted on, and covered in who knows what else. If I really, really knew would I have done it?

If I knew that my baby would run his fingers through my hair for comfort. If I knew that my 5 year old would jump up and down with excitement to see me after school and give me the biggest bear hug imaginable. If I knew that my toddler would scrunch his face up to request a kiss. If I knew that my 7 year old would pray for me every day to have a good day as I take care of the babies by myself. If I knew that 4 little boys would snuggle next to each other on the couch with arms and hands intertwined. If I knew that my very presence meant absolutely everything to them. If I really, really knew would I have done it?

This is by far the hardest thing I have done in my life. But I can't even begin to describe how it's also the best thing I have ever done in my life. I never could have really really known anything about what I would experience, but yes, I would choose to do it all again in a heartbeat.

 

And then there were 4

Our family and our hearts grew. Somehow, some way when we didn't know if there was any more room in our hearts to give it turns out there was always a place waiting. A place that cried out; yes, this place is just for you! And then we wonder how we ever lived without that piece of our hearts. We gaze at that beautiful, fresh face and just know it belongs.

Andrew Hyrum

Field Trip to a Pioneer Village

Luke's class spent 6 weeks talking about Pilgrims and pioneers, so to end it they got to go on a field trip to a pioneer village. This village has gathered old buildings from across the state and brought them to one location and set up a little town. There were several homes, a school house, bank, jail, church, dress shop, printing shop and many other buildings. There were volunteers at each building to explain it's history and what happened there. It was a lot of fun and I learned a bit as well. The kids thought the school was pretty neat and couldn't believe that kids used to get paddled for misbehaving. I couldn't believe how many people lived in one room homes! There was one home the size of our family room with a loft and they had 10 children!

the long bus ride

school house

jail

panning for gold

Happy Halloween!

The boys have been so excited about Halloween this year. Nana found Ninja costumes about 6 weeks before Halloween and those costumes had a lot of use before the actual day! They were very excited to decorate and carve pumpkins.

Cutest skeleton baby and pirate daddy

I am so grateful for this crew!

Traditional Dinner in a Pumpkin

Seth at his class party

Luke before his school parade (for Literature day, not Halloween, haha)

Fall Break Vacation

Luke's school has long 2 1/2 week fall break. We have been promising the boys a vacation to Disneyland for quite some time and felt this break would be the perfect time. It really was a great time to be there. For the most part the lines were very short and the crowds were very small. The last day got a little frustrating for me because the crowds and lines were bigger than the first two days, but I think I was also just tired. Disneyland is definitely a fun vacation, but not a relaxing one with three little kids! The evening that we arrived in CA we took the boys to Long Beach. They loved it! Seth proclaimed, "This is AWESOME!" I couldn't get over how beautiful it all was - especially compared AZ. The boys ran straight to the water and loved playing in the waves and sand. They could have stayed for hours. It's too bad the clean up is so horrific, but it was worth it. We then spent the next three days at Disneyland and California Adventure and took in as many rides as we possibly could! The boys' favorite ride was Star Tours and one of their favorite things was to do the Jedi Training. Another favorite was Cars Land of course. The boys begged to go back to the beach on our last day and even though I didn't want to mess with the mess I couldn't say no. We had a great time and I spent the whole next week falling asleep by 9pm! I guess it wore me out!

Even Joshy loved the beach

That Paki loves this boy

It was so great to have David's parents with us on this trip

Right after the boys finished Jedi training

He was so happy to finally be out of the stroller!

Ready or Not!!

A couple of months ago I started to feel . . . different, but in a recognizable way. I knew I had felt this way before but this simply couldn't be what I thought it was because . . . well, because we had a not quite 6 month old and it wasn't the plan. I delayed getting any kind of proof for my theory because I just couldn't believe that it might be true. I was sure I was just over reacting to my 'symptoms.' But when it had been long enough that there really could be no other explanation I took the test. Immediately it showed that yes, I really was pregnant! I thought I would be scared, overwhelmed, worried . . . but from the moment I found out I was filled with peace and I know that this is right.

David took a little longer to warm up to the news. Once the shock and panic of  'How can we handle this!?!' wore off he has even said that he is excited to have a new baby in our home.

Joshua will be a young 14 months when we introduce this new little one into our family, but I'm happy to know that he will have a close sibling. I try not to worry too much about the logistics of life with two babies, but am grateful that Josh already sleeps through the night and will be walking like a pro by then, haha! I know the first year will probably be hard and lots of work, but I know we will be able to do it. I am grateful for life's unexpected blessings.

I'm 13 weeks - Due mid April - It's just as exciting to see that little baby for the first time as it was with my first baby. I really think this is a boy, but would also be happy for a girl. We will see!

Guilt

I sat down tonight after my last child was finally tucked in to bed. I looked around my house and started to get that sinking feeling. That ominous, ugly feeling of 'motherly guilt.' I looked around and noticed toys and books, stacked dishes, unfolded laundry, dirty bathrooms, etc etc. While browsing blogs on my phone during my first quite, alone moment of the day I started to think, 'Wow, how come I don't can food, or sew, or coupon, or teach my children some meaningful skill, or home school, or make my own baby food, or come up with awesome FHE lessons, or make great meals, or throw awesome parties, or or or." My 'motherly guilt' was starting to kick in hard! So young mother, what exactly HAVE you done all day, huh???

5am wake up call to begin my day: baby feeding, diaper changing, child comforting, breakfast making, clothing, washing, playing, story reading, homework doing, piano practicing, lunch/snack packing, house cleaning, dishes doing, school preparing, family scripture reading and praying, refereeing, lunch making, family feeding, child chauffeuring, parent volunteering, errand running, child picking upping, children snacking, niece(s) babysitting, dinner cooking, children feeding, children entertaining, bed time story reading, bed time prayers saying, bedtime putting (alone) 9pm.

I have successfully kept three young children fed, clothed, entertained, educated, and loved for another day. I didn't do it perfectly, but I did it. And they all went to bed knowing that their mother loves them - that's what I did today, so 'mother's guilt,' you can't claim me today because I am enough, I am mother!

Try Again

I'm not typically one to be offended. For the most part I try to see that people usually intend no harm. And this post is not about being offended, but lately I have received some - well, the same - comment about my children that has begun to weigh heavily on my mind and heart. The question: "So, are you going to try again for a girl?"

I realize that this question is asked innocently. Of course, most women want to have a daughter. But, it comes across as, "boys just aren't quite good enough, you'd be more happy with girl." To me it means, "your children aren't enough, they're missing something - being a girl."

When someone sees me with my two young boys and my barely 6 month old baby boy and then asks, "So are you going to try again?" I wonder, why can't they be happy for the 3 healthy, sweet (yes, very energized) children that I have. I can't imagine anyone asking a mother of three young children including boys and girls if they are going to try again when their baby is only 6 months old!

We never had children with the intent of getting some specific end result. We had children to have children, not because we were 'hoping' to have a girl or a boy. Asking if we will try again implies that we failed the first 3 times! I have fallen madly in love with my baby boy and asking if I will try again discounts how much I love and adore him.

Maybe, someday in the future we will have another child or children. And I would gladly welcome a daughter. But, we will never try again because we have nothing to fix.

Big brothers teaching Josh the ways of boyhood with a sword and light saber.

Someday

Someday, I'll walk into my house and it will be straightened up and tidy with little effort.

Today, I'll recognize the clothes, dishes and toys strewn about like some kind of frat house as evidence of active, healthy children.

Someday, my counter and sink will be empty of dirty dishes.

Today, I'll recognize that those dishes represent memories of meals shared together as a family and the symbol of full bellies that I didn't have to worry about feeding.

Someday, my washer and dryer will sit silently throughout most of the day and the endless piles or laundry will disappear.

Today, I'll recognize those mounds of laundry as proof that these children run, play, get dirty and live life completely.

Someday, my bathrooms will be spotless.

Today, I'll recognize the toothpaste smudges, hand prints on the mirror, and towels (always) on the floor as signs that my children are growing and learning to care for themselves.

Someday, I will sleep through an entire night uninterrupted.

Today, I will recognize the midnight request for a lost stuffed animal, the two o'clock feeding, the 4am bed wetting and the 6 am wake up call as opportunities to get just one more glimpse at those perfect little faces and one more quite kiss.

Someday, my house will echo silence.

Today, I'll recognize the chaos and noise as sounds of childhood and happiness.

Someday can wait, because it will be here all too soon.

Today, Today is my children's day. 

Seth's Tonsils

Seth has never slept well - waking several times a night, and he has always sounded very congested and 'stuffy.' We finally decided that it would be best to have his tonsils and adenoids removed. He was so brave when it was time to go back without mommy or daddy. When he woke up he was so disoriented and uncomfortable. He just screamed and cried for about 30 minutes. He finally calmed down and fell back asleep and when he woke again he was much more content. I stayed with him at the hospital over night. His recovery was rough and took nearly 2 weeks before he seemed to be comfortable and not in pain. At first I couldn't tell much of a difference, but now several months later I do think it has helped. He doesn't wake much in the night anymore and besides having seasonal allergies he can breathe pretty well.

Favorite Room in the House

As of right now, my favorite room in the house is Josh's bedroom. It is the first room to be completely finished and it's just the way I want it. It is very baby boy, but also classy. His room also serves as a guest room when grandparents come to visit. David's mom was such a huge help in getting this room finished and his cousin Kourtney is the master behind the quilt and block letters. I feel happy every time I go into his room and I hope he loves it too!