Out of it

I haven't posted much lately because I just keep hoping that I'll have something exciting or fun to share . . . like D getting an awesome job. That doesn't seem to be our lot right now though and it's hard to accept that when it's so far from what we want. I've found myself a bit detached from what's going on in my life. Feeling jealous of others and not wanting to read other people's blogs because it's hard to see all these great things people are doing or buying and know that I just can't. Unemployment (there, I said that dumb word) is not fun and and it's something I view much differently than I did a year ago. I used to think of it as something that happened to people that didn't try hard enough. People that were lazy or didn't care. I used to think that term applied to people in some group that I didn't consider myself a part of. But let me tell you, I've been humbled.

I don't know if I've met a much harder working man than my husband. He's a man that is dedicated to his family and wants more than anything to be a provider. We figure that up to this point he has applied for nearly 500 jobs. He has heard back from a handful and been interviewed for a grand total of 2. In every instance he is told that A) He's qualified but they've decided to hire someone with more experience  B) The agency is no longer hiring because of budget cuts, and we believe C) that he is overqualified. The words frustrated and disappointed only slightly begin to explain the way that we often feel. I don't think either of us ever imagined that we would face unemployment after him earning a Master's degree, and yet here we are.

Nearly a year ago he took a part time job doing something that leaves him feeling completely unsatisfied and not earning much of anything. I've started to babysit a little girl (which has actually been a great blessing for many reasons) and with the support of family we are able to get by. In many ways I have seen great blessings come from our situation and I know that we are not forgotten. For instance, we have learned pretty darn well how to budget! I've been learning how to make groceries last and use leftovers to make other meals. We've learned to be grateful for all that we DO have and hopefully will never take anything for granted in the future. We have been very blessed with good health (except for blasted February!) and we've been able to spend lots and lots and lots of time together. I think we see others in a different way and are much less likely to judge others. We've come to truly appreciate service and have developed a greater desire to serve others.

This life can be hard. I'm coming to understand that everyone has hard things. And what's hard for me might not be so hard for others, but that's why it's my trial because it's something my family and I can learn from. And I can pretty much guarantee that at the end of everyone's lives we'll all have gone through some really tough things and hopefully we'll be able to say, that's exactly what I needed.

Just because they're pretty cute . . . who wouldn't be grateful for these two

Sometimes it's Hard

Being a mother is hard. Sometimes it's hard because you feel like you have no control over anything and yet you want to control everything. Sometimes it's hard because children fight, make messes, and sometimes drive you crazy. Sometimes it's hard because of sleep deprivation, constant care for others, and little time for yourself. And sometimes it's hard because you have to watch your children suffer through pain and you can't fix it. Your heart breaks for them and all you can do is comfort them and cry with them.

This morning the boys woke up and decided to be super heroes. They pulled out the dress up box to transform into Batman and Robin and practiced their 'gliding' skills by jumping off the bed. My sister soon called to see if we wanted to go to Ikea just for a fun outing. We would let all the cousins play together in the child watch area and we mothers would shop around with the littlest ones. The boys were excited to play with cousins and donned their costumes to the super store (some battles aren't worth fighting). They had grand plans to be super heroes together at Ikea.

While signing the boys in I mentioned to the worker that S might be close to the height limit (37 inches), but that he was 3 1/2 and potty trained, just small for his age. She asked me to take his shoes off and have him stand in front of the sign. He was maybe 1/4" below the line. She told me he would not be allowed to go in. I tried to reason with her, plead with her, and probably got snippy with her (which I later apologized about). But she completely refused to let him in. Two of his cousins were already in. His brother passed and was headed in. They had all been promised they could play in this fun area and it didn't seem fair to not let them go in. Then, his younger (by 4 months), but taller cousin stood against the sign and was easily 1-2 inches taller. Though younger he was allowed to go in. Crocodile tears formed in my big boy's eyes and he began to bawl. At first tears of defiance and anger and then tears of sadness and to a three year old, true sorrow.

And I began to cry too, because I realized that this is one of his first real life lessons that sometimes, life just isn't fair. Sometimes things happen by no fault of our own and we have to feel things that really hurt. My heart broke for him because I knew this wouldn't be the last time he would experience this kind of pain. All my mother heart wanted was to fix it, but I couldn't. So, I held on to my big boy and told him I love him and I know it's hard and it's not fair. And to my child that loves to exclaim, "I'm the biggest ever!" I whispered, you're big enough to me.

Meet, Flower Sally Lizzie

                                                                     

My mom found this little tortoise in her back yard. S/he likes to come out in the mornings before it gets too hot (yes it's already near 100 by early afternoon!) All the grands are basically obsessed with him/her. They've decided it's a girl. They couldn't all agree on a name so they compromised and used all the names they picked: Flower Sally Lizzie. She likes to eat fruits and veggies and despite all the naysayers she is quite speedy. She is often hiding and can't be found, but when she comes out all the kids are in heaven. What an awesome, low maintance pet!

Seth trying to put a flower on Miss Flower

Growin' Up

My little man is over 3 years old. I must admit that I have been terrified to potty train this child. The potty training experience with child number one was . . . awful. In pretty much every sense of the word, awful. So, naturally the thought of trying to train my 'free thinking, can't tell me what to do, I live life my own way' child was beyond my capacity for quite some time. Life has been crazy and completely out of whack for several months, so when things finally settled down a bit 2 weeks ago I decided it was time to bite the bullet and face my fears. I decided to do things differently this time and actually read something on the subject before starting. After reading several great reviews on 3daypottytraining.com I decided to look into it. I didn't follow the instructions precisely (as in, I didn't follow him around for 3 days straight), so it took slightly longer than the promised 3 days, but overall the experience was completely different than it was with my first son and almost even fun. I so wish I could rewind a couple years and do things differently with #1, but thank goodness he's loving and forgiving. I can't believe both my boys are out of diapers! I almost don't know what to do with myself . . .

He's so proud of himself and likes to tell everyone about his accomplishment!

Last Month 'Existed' Big Time

Just as life started to get back to normal after everyone being so sick, something BIG happened. My parents have been looking into purchasing a home for us to live in now and my sister and her family to live in after us (and we'll pay the mortgage as best as we can considering our employment circumstance).
On March 13 my mom saw a listing for a home that would be up for auction 45 minutes later. We drove to the house and walked around the yard and looked through the windows (you can't go inside auction houses), and my parents decided to bid on it. They got the keys just a few hours later! We spent the next three weeks remodeling. David's parents came out for 2 weeks to help (that phrase seems like an understatement, they did SO much for us), and my mom's brother even came out for a day to take care of termites, weeds, and help tear out old flooring.
In 3 weeks we put tile in the kitchen, laundry, and bath rooms, painted every inch of the interior of the house, put in fans and light fixtures throughout the house, and replaced 2 faucets, 2 toilets and one countertop. We've also moved into the house over the past couple of weeks and we are loving it! We feel so blessed and cared for by so many people. It's amazing how little things fall into place for our good sometimes.

The boy's room has gone from Barney purple, to calm relaxed blue. I love it!

We painted the master bath room beige, the counters white and put in a new light fixture.

The month that may as well have not existed

I had big plans for this month. Things like; wake up and shower, take my kids to the park, make meals, exercise, celebrate Valentine's day, go on a double date with friends, spend time with my sisters, go grocery shopping a few times, eat.

The month went more like: get very sick . . . stay very sick . . . husband sick . . .get a little better . . . kids get very sick . . . get a little better . . . I get very sick again. . . spend the night in the hospital . . . feel a little better . . . and hopefully March will be better!

I'm not entirely sure what I've had but the basic symptoms include: Fever, headache, worst sore throat of my life, throwing up, body aches so bad I couldn't move, extreme fatigue, coughing and more coughing.

Diagnosis have been: walking pnemonia, flu, bronchitis, pluerisy (swollen lining of the lungs) and strep throat. I've never been this sick in my life or this dependent on other people. Thank goodness for my mother! We would not have survived without her. She basically took care of the boys all day every day for weeks.

Their days included outings to the park, home depot, trips to get chocolate milk, the dollar store, visits to cousins and the list goes on.

I am more grateful now for simple things like: being able to get out of bed, getting outside to play with my kids, making and being able to eat food, being able to watch a show or read without getting a head ache.

Most of our days looked like this:

The poor boy ran a fever near 102-103 for 3 days and a low grade fever for nearly 2 weeks.

I sure hope you're better to us next year, February!

I miss Him too

A few weeks ago when I was getting Seth to bed he said something that stopped me in my tracks and caused a moment of pause. Now, a little back story . . . sometimes (many times) this child acts like a wild animal. He can destroy a room in 10 seconds all the while screaming and yelling. On this particular night he was adamant that he didn't want to go to bed, so we had been dealing with the fight of brushing teeth, changing clothes, praying, singing, etc etc. All I wanted was for that boy to be quiet and asleep and then he said, "I miss Jesus. He talked to me a long long time ago when I was in Heaven."

(Insert jaw drop and stab of motherly guilt)

I responded, "I miss Him too."

This life is hard. There are times that I feel almost homesick, longing for something that I can't quite place. And I think that's what it is; I miss Jesus. I know he's here and with me always, but how amazing it must have been (and will be) to be in His presence, to really BE with Him. I look forward to that day and in the mean time count my blessings for all that life has to teach me so I CAN be with Him again.

Out of the mouth of babes.