If I knew

I worry sometimes about being all to everyone in my little family. And I don't even mean the cooking, crafting, party planning, taxiing, shopping, extras. I mean, how in the world am I supposed to fill this role of mother and wife to 5 . . . five people. My heart aches to be able to give myself wholly to each of them individually, but apparently the laws of physics don't work that way. I want to be able to sit and play games with Luke, read books with Seth, race cars with Joshua, snuggle my baby, and have just one uninterrupted conversation with my husband. The hours between 3-7pm can only be described as chaos in our home. It's a whirlwind of after school snacks, homework, dinner making, piano practicing, playing, dinner eating, bathing, story book reading, children wrestling, etc etc.

I can only hope that I am able to meet the most important needs and wants for each person. I hope and pray that things don't slip through the cracks, but I'm only one person. I had no idea how demanding this motherhood thing would be. No idea. I sometimes wonder if I really, really knew; would I still have done it?

If I knew that I would go months, years even without sleeping through the night. If I knew that simple requests would often be met with screaming and whining. If I knew that my body would be so exhausted from carrying/rocking a crying baby. If I knew I would spend the majority of my days secluded from any adults. If I knew that I'd spend hours preparing food only to have it most often rejected by those I'm trying to feed. If I knew I'd spend hour after hour cleaning up after other people. If I knew everything I wore would be spit up on, snotted on, and covered in who knows what else. If I really, really knew would I have done it?

If I knew that my baby would run his fingers through my hair for comfort. If I knew that my 5 year old would jump up and down with excitement to see me after school and give me the biggest bear hug imaginable. If I knew that my toddler would scrunch his face up to request a kiss. If I knew that my 7 year old would pray for me every day to have a good day as I take care of the babies by myself. If I knew that 4 little boys would snuggle next to each other on the couch with arms and hands intertwined. If I knew that my very presence meant absolutely everything to them. If I really, really knew would I have done it?

This is by far the hardest thing I have done in my life. But I can't even begin to describe how it's also the best thing I have ever done in my life. I never could have really really known anything about what I would experience, but yes, I would choose to do it all again in a heartbeat.