Sometimes it's Hard

Being a mother is hard. Sometimes it's hard because you feel like you have no control over anything and yet you want to control everything. Sometimes it's hard because children fight, make messes, and sometimes drive you crazy. Sometimes it's hard because of sleep deprivation, constant care for others, and little time for yourself. And sometimes it's hard because you have to watch your children suffer through pain and you can't fix it. Your heart breaks for them and all you can do is comfort them and cry with them.

This morning the boys woke up and decided to be super heroes. They pulled out the dress up box to transform into Batman and Robin and practiced their 'gliding' skills by jumping off the bed. My sister soon called to see if we wanted to go to Ikea just for a fun outing. We would let all the cousins play together in the child watch area and we mothers would shop around with the littlest ones. The boys were excited to play with cousins and donned their costumes to the super store (some battles aren't worth fighting). They had grand plans to be super heroes together at Ikea.

While signing the boys in I mentioned to the worker that S might be close to the height limit (37 inches), but that he was 3 1/2 and potty trained, just small for his age. She asked me to take his shoes off and have him stand in front of the sign. He was maybe 1/4" below the line. She told me he would not be allowed to go in. I tried to reason with her, plead with her, and probably got snippy with her (which I later apologized about). But she completely refused to let him in. Two of his cousins were already in. His brother passed and was headed in. They had all been promised they could play in this fun area and it didn't seem fair to not let them go in. Then, his younger (by 4 months), but taller cousin stood against the sign and was easily 1-2 inches taller. Though younger he was allowed to go in. Crocodile tears formed in my big boy's eyes and he began to bawl. At first tears of defiance and anger and then tears of sadness and to a three year old, true sorrow.

And I began to cry too, because I realized that this is one of his first real life lessons that sometimes, life just isn't fair. Sometimes things happen by no fault of our own and we have to feel things that really hurt. My heart broke for him because I knew this wouldn't be the last time he would experience this kind of pain. All my mother heart wanted was to fix it, but I couldn't. So, I held on to my big boy and told him I love him and I know it's hard and it's not fair. And to my child that loves to exclaim, "I'm the biggest ever!" I whispered, you're big enough to me.